a celebratory dinner for a birthday, night out at a somewhat debenoir restaurant, one large table, twenty odd, people sitting with each other. formally dressed, i, with a shirt on that muttered the phrase; "have you ever felt so goddamned alive?" before that, arriving to my friend's, to pick him up, so he could accompany me to this dinner. but let me backtrack to when i was at his house...he, working on a certain computer programming for his summer class, the lights in his room were off, the rain outside was pouring down, the thunder was beating down, and the humidity shone through his windows. i fell asleep while he sat there as programmer, i drifted for twenty minutes, into what seemed like hours upon hours of quiet, still rest. i cannot remember the dreams i had or the visions i saw, but when i awoke, i felt somewhat renewed, as if it was morning and that my day was just beginning....it had rained all day, it would continue for the remainder...
quesadilla at debenoir restaurant, a little overpriced, and left me feeling still on an empty stomach, i would want my arteries clogged, i would want myself to experience again, the ultimate shit, a feeling of rebirth after i had just finished mealtime, but nothing...only eight glasses of caffeine, and a two minute long piss...
stares at beautiful girls at the table, opening to conversation from one lass that was sitting across from me...indian or something, i remember her name, Sydra. well, i had nothing to say, just what i like to do, at the moment, she could have added to my interests of what i WOULD LIKE to do, my still awkwardness pumping away in my pale chest with nothing to think to say...Sydra, it was my pleasure to see you that night at the after party, and to see your eyes watching me at times, resting on the dark couch, it was my pleasure to see you there watching me, and i could have made the choice to befriend you, but it was a chance that i had come upon you in debenoir restaurant and nothing more...
i was supposed to write a poem for the young lady i was there to celebrate with, her eighteenth year of living, of not dying. i wanted to make something with a tree, about how large their branches grow as the years pass, and how bountiful they become with leaves, how ripe their bosoms are, being able to survive for hundreds of years alone in empty forests, yet ending their legacy after being cut down by the smallest blade....you are a tree, the darkest, and most beautiful in the forest, your forest stands empty with the greenest grasses, and the yellowest of sunflowers, your branches continue, ever growing, your leaves give the imprint of life as you age and age and age. yet, you could not be cut down, for you always remain as that innocence of youth that will remain with you and become as part of the atmosphere that sustains breathing and loving. there is your poem, you are a tree, and i adore you..."have you ever felt so goddamned alive," i felt at a loss of words, driving home from it all, the night sky, the passing by of city, the passing by of cars, of empty buildings, the stereo in my car, the ambient music pouring forth from all creation, from my speakers, the stars shone brightly to me, and maybe there were not any stars shining yesternight, but i felt as so, for my star is always shining, winking to me, looking to me from the darkness of horizon and swimming with the gold texture of white tinted moon. but i can not find it yet, it has found me, but i have yet to seek it, and to grab it with my hands. i have yet to reach for it, to squeeze my star, and to fuck it....
i hope this is the longest post yet, back from party, dropping off my friend back to his home, another lonely drive, yet hopeful, for i had always my star that i am ever searching for, i am wanderer, thinker, reveler, and i am human...i fuck up and i shout obscenities, and i am shy, and i make overanalyzations, and i am always full of hope, but i cannot understand why? because i always have that hope, that red heart shaped hope that i will look my star in the eyes one day, and grab it with my two hands, and take my mouth and breathe on my star, i hope it to be the coldest of nights, one where when i respirate, i can see the outline of my breathing exit from my mouth, and i will take my star and kiss it, and wrap my saliva around my star, and i may feel the wet saliva of star in my mouth....
back to my home at late hours to start a movie, and with hopes to write something, but i had not the balls to write until this hour, and now that i have writ, it seems as mumbled garbage......

I AM LOST OH STAR! YOU SOUGHT ME AND HAVE CAME FOR ME, I HAVE NOT YET COME FOR YOU, BUT ONE DAY, WHEN I AM MIDDLE AGED, OR STILL YOUNG, OR EVEN VERY OLD, I WILL FIND YOU OH STAR, AND WE WILL FUCK, AND I WILL FEEL YOUR STARLIGHT AND YOUR RAYS LIGHT MY BODY, AND YOU WILL BIRTH INSIDE ME AND WE WILL BOTH LIGHT THE SKIES....