often times i do sit down, and i do think. that i am alone, that i have family, that i am loved, that i have friends, and that i am aware of my alienation. sitting in a restaurant, small town, population 600, surrounded by one side of my family, celebrating birthday...i felt depressed, felt completely blank, yet so aware, and alive at the same time, that those who were surrounding me were my relations, yet at the same time, an innumerable dread fell over me....like i was surrounded by some mist, my vision was blind for a time, and i felt almost like crying, like letting my face get wettened...i went to the bathroom in the restaurant, and pissed, i wanted myself to feel something, but all i could feel was the sprinkler system of piss pouring out of me...i had a hunger, as i had not eaten almost the whole day, when i got my food, i suppose i felt a little better, yet again, some time from now, i will feel as i did...
maybe someone will travel to meet me and we will be best friends...i sat in the car and stared out the window into cloudy skies, lightning appearing, electricity of atmosphere, i breathed in and out, and in and out...
i found myself at home, to my friends for conversation, only an hour this time, back home, a shit in the toilet...
i have alot of things i could say at this point, well not say, but to merely express on electronic paper what is running through my head as of yet, but i feel like i can type no more, and i should perhaps save this for tomorrow...
ahhhhhhhhhh and 91 years is a lifetime....