my mind went into a tunnel. the visions were blurred from my eyes, it appeared i was on the brink of an out of body experience. the footsteps were muffled in my ears, and it felt as if i was detached from my mind, or else on an acid trip or something similar to that. what ensued was the penalty of being forced to climb up six or seven flights of stairs to enter the laundry room, all for the favour of washing my clothes. every step, every flight proved more difficult, and my breath gasped for air heavily. i remember feeling the blurred visions and the intense pressure on my chest as if someone were stepping on me and prohibiting me from breathing. i should probably exercise when i have time, to make sure this never happens to me again. or at least, i will know not to climb six or seven flights of stairs next time, i will save the burden and take the elevator. but the feeling was interesting, feeling as if your mind were detached from body and the perception of vision being abstract and blurred, like the pupils have been tightened, and the environment fades from your eyes. i thought i would black out, or else vomit on the floor. but no, i rested some moments on the floor and now am back in my room to write this. now, i feel normal or what i consider to be feeling as normal.
the shit taste has disappeared from my mouth, coughing up something last night while sitting here, came out a piece of food or some tiny fabric of digestion that had laid dormant in my throat for some weeks. this is the proof that my mouth had tasted of shit, after coughing it up, the smell that had plagued my mouth for weeks was sensed, i quickly threw this article of shit away and scrubbed and cleaned my hands.
finishing an eight page paper for my english class was solved today; the sexual isolation of margaret atwood and her handmaid's tale, the erasing of sexual desire for favor of the production and biological necessity of sex for the sole benefit of the state. my mind is already debased enough, thanks to the stair labyrinth i have just climbed.
i will read murakami again today, and i will also read juan rulfo.
a quote from rulfo and a quote from murakami to ease this post...

I then reached the sexual peak-although, rather than a peak, it felt more as if I were being thrown down from a high cliff. I screamed, and I felt as if every piece of glass in the room had shattered. I not only felt it: I actually saw and heard the windows and drinking glasses shattering into powdered fragments and felt them raining down on me. I then felt horribly sick to my stomach. My consciousness began to slip away, and my body turned cold. I know this will sound strange, but I felt as if I had turned into a bowl of cold porridge-all sticky and lumpy, and the lumps were throbbing: it had happened to me before. Nor did it take very long for me to recall what it was. I knew it as that dull, fatal, never-ending pain that I had experienced before my failed suicide attempt. And, like a crowbar, the pain was prying open the lid of my consciousness-prying it open with an irresistible force and dragging out the jellied contents of my memory without reference to my will. Strange as it may sound, this was like a dead person watching her own autopsy. Do you see what I mean? I felt as if I were watching from some vantage point as my body was being cut open and one slimy organ after another was being pulled out of me.

-Murakami

There is more. The vision of God. The soft light of his infinite Heaven. The rejoicing of the cherubim and song of the seraphim. The joy in the eyes of God, which is the last, fleeting vision of those condemned to eternal suffering. Eternal suffering joined to earthly pain. The marrow of our bones becomes like live coals and the blood in our veins threads of fire, inflicting unbelievable agony that never abates for it is fanned constantly by the wrath of God.

-Juan Rulfo